yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
