My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
