Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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