I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
