It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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