Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
