I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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