So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
