Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
