you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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