I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
