There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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