if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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