Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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