Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
