Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
its liver damage thursday
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize