dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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