Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
And then he peed in my hair
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
