Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
