Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
