btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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