also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
