I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
