Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
