I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
