I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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