Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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