Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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