the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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