3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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