Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize