Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
