So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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