At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
