how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
