In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize