I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
