im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
