wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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