I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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