Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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