It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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