We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
