yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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