probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
