Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
