As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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