I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize