apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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