i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
