I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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