Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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