I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
