Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize