You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
