How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
