I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
