I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
