i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
