Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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