Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
